What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

  • Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) is deeply rooted in Attachment theory. Attachment theory suggests that humans are biologically wired from birth to seek out an emotional bond (or an “attachment”) with a caregiver for survival. We are extremely dependent as babies and our physical safety is provided by someone who is emotionally bonded to us—someone who loves us. John Bowlby found that this bond significantly impacts a person’s development, their social and emotional health, and their relationships throughout their life. It impacts how we see ourselves (loveable or unlovable) and the way we perceive the world (safe or dangerous).

    Don’t worry though, EFT is not all about your childhood. It uses these attachment theory and more recent research to be informed and present with what is going on in your relationship right now.

    At its core, attachment theory teaches us that we need close emotional relationships to thrive. This was originally just accepted as a childhood need, but in recent years, adult romantic relationships have been compared to the infant-parent relationship that Bowlby studied. Humans go from seeking comfort, connection, and responsiveness from a parent to seeking those same things from a significant other when we are older. We are less physically dependent as adults, but we are still just as emotionally dependent. Happy, successful relationships are the ones where our partner is in close emotional proximity to us. This means we feel safe and secure with them, knowing they will respond with connection and comfort when we need them—just like babies need from a caregiver. We can then be our best individual selves when we are in secure relationship with others. For humans, the goal is healthy dependence, not independence like we’ve all been led to believe. We can’t thrive without other people.

    So how does all of this fit into EFT? EFT focuses on the behavioral and emotional cycle that plays out in your relationship. This cycle shows us how you are both trying to get this basic, innate need for emotional connection met. Many of us try to simultanously seek close connection and protect ourselves from more hurt. This is what complicates our relationships and keeps us from enjoying the close bond we want and need.

    I mentioned in the first paragraph that Bowlby learned that our childhood attachments (relationships with caregivers) impact us throughout our lives… They can, and that may be impacting what is going on in your relationship right now, but they don’t have to. We now know that the effects of negative and even traumatizing childhood attachments can be mitigated through future, safe relationships. The way we view ourselves, others, and the world can be transformed with one safe, responsive person in our life. I want to help you find that safety and build that healing bond with your spouse. Rather than focusing on harmful, past relationships, EFT recgonizes the impact they have but focuses on building a new, safe relationship with the significant other sitting next to you in therapy.

  • An early study that supports attachment theory (the idea that emotional bonds are innate and impact our functioning) is Harlow’s monkey mother experiment. When given the choice between a cold, hard, wire “mother” that was holding milk or a soft, cloth mother without any food, young monkeys who had been separated from their mothers would almost always cling to the comforting cloth mother. Many of them would even try and reach the food while still clinging to the cloth mother with their legs. In a different phase of the study, monkeys who were scared by a loud toy behaved differently depending on whether or not a cloth mother was in the room. Those with a cloth mother would go up to the toy and try to attack it, and those without a “mother” in the room would hide in the corner in fear.

    Humans share this innate need for comfort and connection. We learn from infancy that having people who care deeply for us is what keeps us physically alive and emotionally happy. And when we have safe, comforting, loving presences in our lives, we can explore the world more confidently. EFT is based on the assumption that our emotional bonds impact our health and wellbeing across the lifespan.

    Many of us have heard about the impact that high cortisol and chronic stress have on our physical health. Studies have found that those with “secure attachments” (feelings of safety that come from close relationships with significant others) not only had less perceived stress in response to a threat, but their baseline levels and recovery from stress were more desirable as well. Our relationships have a significant and measurable impact on our ability to regulate stress. For many of us, our relationship is the source of a great deal of stress. EFT not only reduces that source of stress but it also fosters a connection so deep, comforting, and secure that it buffers from other stressors we are experiencing.

    EFT (strengthening a couple’s emotional bond) is being increasingly used for individual issues as well including depression, substance abuse, and even chronic pain, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. EFT, attachment, and health have been studied closely. What we learn is that close relationships and feelings of safety in our body increase quality of life and have major impacts on both mental and physical health.

  • EFT efficiently moves clients forward by focusing on the process over the content of your experience. Content is what is being said (“I’m angry that you never do the dishes”) and process is what is going on underneath that clients often aren’t even aware of (“I’m scared you don’t love me and I’m trying to get your attention here in the only way that I know how”). Focusing on the content of the session would include listening to long stories with lots of details, focusing on specific behaviors and events, and deciding on compromises to longstanding arguments. This does not lead to enduring change and increased love.

    EFT is intensely focused on the process—the way that you two influence and respond to each other. It focuses on the underlying fears and longing behind what we see playing out in your interactions. It will lead to greater awareness of yourself and your partner and a deeper bond between you two. As we increase this awareness, empathy, and understanding, we can begin to practice responding and being there for each other in ways that make you both feel seen, valued, and less alone. Changing this underlying emotional and behavioral pattern will allow you to lovingly and effectively work through things on your own without a therapist for years to come.

Not interested in the science? That’s ok, you don’t have to understand it for it to work. Understanding it is my job. Here’s all you really need to know going into it….

  • It works.

    EFT is the most thoroughly studied and highly respected model of couples therapy. If you complete the difficult emotional work it requires, you’ve just created a whole new relationship. 70% of research participants experienced a complete reduction of symptoms (Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown and Company.). This is significant, especially considering that a lot of couples who come to therapy have a hard time imagining anything getting better. People often treat therapy as a last resort. There is also an extremely low relapse rate with EFT compared to other models of couples therapy. Most couples had maintained all of their progress three full years after “graduating” from EFT. Some studies even showed increased progress after therapy stopped. Couples who complete EFT have a new, positive default pattern of interacting, but theyb also gain confidence that when their old negative cycle shows back up and disconnection creeps in, they know how to “repair” or create closeness again.

  • It's focused.

    Staying focused on what will actually lead to lasting change is one of my most important roles as an EFT therapist. Without the roadmap that EFT offers, it is easy for therapists to get pulled into the content of the conflict, trying to resolve this argument and that one while entirely missing the root cause and forgetting what our goal is—to strengthen your bond. We won’t just rehash old arguments or try to figure out who was really to blame. We won’t look for compromises in each unique disagreement you’re having. And we won’t learn conflict resolution techniques that, honestly, never work anyway when our brain and nervous system is in fight or flight. Your nervous system actually has good reason to respond the way it does, and simply telling it to stop protecting you won’t work. My job is to help create the safety your body needs to do something different with your partner. EFT is all about the behavioral cycle that you are both engaging in. We will learn your specific cycle inside and out and then target the root of all of your pain—disconnection.

  • It's repetitive.

    Because EFT is so focused, it may feel repetitive. In order to create lasting change, I can’t just give you a different worksheet about fighting fair or appreciation each week. We have to map the cycle you’re stuck in, discover your most vulnerable emotions and desires, and then practice sharing those with each other and responding in new ways that help you feel loved by and safe with each other. Whether you realize it or not, you’ve been repeating the same patterns for however long you’ve been struggling. Understanding your pattern, emotions, and desires inside and out, creating safety, and then practicing being vulnerable and responding to each other’s hurt over and over and over is the only way to rewrite the negative patterns you’re stuck in. While I think this is helpful to expect going into EFT, I will add that most most clients don’t mind the repetitive nature of EFT because the things we repeat are things you’ve both been needing and wanting for a long time.

  • It's hard work.

    Vulnerability is the essence of deep connection. It is also difficult for most of us. The definition of being vulnerable is exposing oneself to the possibility of being hurt. But it also opens us up to the possibility of being more fully loved and connected. Thinking about sharing intimate things with the person you feel angry with, hurt by, distant from, AND the person who you want to be there for you more than anyone else in this world might sound pretty scary. Or maybe it sounds impossible since you don’t often know what you’re feeling. Figuring that out, especially if you’ve never been taught to notice and talk about feelings will be hard work too. I’ll be there to help you make sense of your inner world, you just have to be willing to try. In EFT, we begin with creating a sense of safety so that we can do such difficult work, but therapy will also require taking some emotional risks. Learning about yourself and then sharing what you learn won’t be comfortable, but I’ll make sure we move at a safe pace for both of you.

“Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues, disconnecting, repairing, and finding deeper connection.”

— Sue Johnson (founder of EFT)

What if I’m not sure about the “emotionally focused” part?

It is possible that emotionally-detached, logical communication skills is what you want. However, I would argue that EFT offers what humans need. As explained above, EFT is thoroughly researched and has even been used and researched alongside treatments for physical ailments such as pain, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. Close relationships are necessary for mental and physical health, and emotional connection is crucial for close relationships. EFT takes us far beyond reducing conflict. It brings couples together in a deep, intimate way that you can enjoy for the rest of your lives together.
Maybe you don’t want emotionally focused therapy because you think emotions are the single greatest reason for your marital problems. Well, they absolutely are. Emotions are fueling every second of your relationship struggles AND we can’t get rid of our emotions. Some people can shove them down, try to ignore them, or consciously disconnect from them, but they still influence our behavior from the inside out. Being disconnected from those emotions keeps us from true intimacy and likely influences our partners emotions to be stronger and louder. So if emotions are a huge part of the problem and we can’t get rid of them, what is there left to do but work with them?
If expressing emotion or even knowing what you’re feeling in the first place is difficult or uncomfortable for you, you are in the right place. EFT is for anyone who is willing to do the emotional work, even if it feels very foreign at first. I’ll be there with you all along the way.
While this model has the potential to benefit anyone regardless of how “emotional” you consider yourself, it also will not be effective if you aren’t willing to do the emotional work it requires. You’re going to have to get inside of your own head, heart, and body and talk about what you find. There is not one right way to experience or communicate our emotions and desires. We are all so different, and EFT is adaptable to all types of people. If your spouse is ready to jump in but you’re skeptical or nervous about it, you can always try a few sessions and see what it’s like. You are never locked in to a certain number of sessions.
Lastly, if the word emotional makes you think “flowery“ in the worst way, you may be happy to hear that it could be more accurately described as “real, deep, and direct.” This model is “emotionally-focused” which means we are going to get straight to the point. We are going to dig deep and uncover the exact emotional and behavioral cycle that is causing every single one of your fights or negative interactions. We are going to figure out who you each are, and we’ll uncover what you each fear and desire at your core. We’ll learn why doing things that make no sense (like hurting someone you love) actually make sense when you understand our nervous system (all hard facts and science here). Then, with greater understanding for ourselves and our partner we’ll work toward living and communicating more in line with what you really feel and want. I want you to find more directness and authenticity in your relationship. I want your partner to feel loved and safe enough with you to say “I’m feeling disconnected from you right now” so that you two can reconnect quickly instead of them getting angry and listing all the things you’ve ever done imperfectly to the point that you don’t even know what they’re upset about anymore. That’s exhausting, frustrating, and doesn’t get you two anywhere. Working with your emotions in therapy may still feel exhausting, especially if this is new for you. But it will get easier with practice and will lead to something so beautiful and comforting.