Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) is deeply rooted in Attachment theory. Attachment theory suggests that humans are biologically wired from birth to seek out an emotional bond (or an “attachment”) with a caregiver for survival. John Bowlby found that this bond significantly impacts a person’s development, social and emotional health, and their relationships throughout their life. It impacts how we see ourselves (loveable or unlovable) and the way we perceive the world (safe or dangerous).

Don’t worry though, EFT is not all about your childhood. It uses these attachment theory and more recent research to be informed and present with what is going on in your relationship right now.

In recent years, adult love relationships have been compared to the infant-parent relationship that Bowlby studied. Humans go from seeking comfort, connection, and responsiveness from a parent to seeking those same things from a significant other when they are older. There’s a bit more to it, but at the root of it all, attachment theory teaches us we need close emotional bonds to thrive. Happy, successful relationships are the ones where our partner is in close emotional proximity to us. This means we feel safe and secure with them, knowing they will respond with connection and comfort when we need them—just like babies need from a caregiver.

EFT focuses on the behavioral and emotional cycle that plays out in your relationship. This cycle shows us how you are both trying to get your needs for emotional connection met and how you’re trying to protect yourself from more hurt.

I mentioned in the first paragraph that Bowlby learned that our childhood attachments impact us throughout our lives… They can, and they may be impacting what is going on in your relationship right now, but they don’t have to. We now know that the effects of negative and even traumatizing childhood attachments can be mitigated through future, safe relationships. The way we view ourselves, others, and the world can be transformed with one safe, responsive person in our life. I want to help you find that safety and build that healing bond with your spouse.

A fascinating early study that supports attachment theory (the idea that emotional bonds are innate and impact our functioning) is Harlow’s monkey mother experiment. When given the choice between a cold, hard, wire “mother” that was holding milk or a soft, cloth mother without any food, young monkeys who had been separated from their mothers would almost always cling to the comforting cloth mother. Many of them would even try and reach the food while still clinging to the cloth mother with their legs. In a different phase of the study, monkeys who were scared by a loud toy behaved differently depending on whether or not a cloth mother was in the room. Those with a cloth mother would go up to the toy and try to attack it, and those without a “mother” in the room would hide in the corner in fear.

Humans too have an innate need for comfort and connection. We learn from infancy that having people who care deeply for us is what keeps us physically alive and emotionally happy. And when we have safe, comforting, loving presences in our lives, we can explore the world more confidently. EFT is based on the assumption that the need for and impact of an emotional bond on our health and wellbeing extend across the lifespan.

Most of us have probably heard about the impact that high cortisol and chronic stress have on our physical health. Studies have found that those with secure attachments (feelings of safety that come from close relationships with significant others) not only had less perceived stress in response to a threat, but their baseline levels and recovery from stress were more desirable as well. This shows us the incredible effect that our relationships have on our ability to regulate stress. For many, their relationship is the source of a great deal of stress. EFT not only reduces that source of stress but it also fosters a connection so deep, comforting, and secure that it buffers from other stressors we are experiencing.

EFT is being increasingly used for individual issues as well including depression, substance abuse, and even chronic pain, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. EFT, attachment, and health have been studied closely. What we learn is that close relationships and feelings of safety in our body increase quality of life and have major impacts on both mental and physical health.

EFT efficiently moves clients forward by focusing on the process over the content of your experience. Content is what is being said (“I’m angry that you never do the dishes”) and process is what is going on underneath that clients often aren’t even aware of (“I’m scared you don’t love me and I’m trying to get your attention here in the only way that I know how”). Focusing on the content of the session would include listening to long stories with lots of details, focusing on specific behaviors and events, and deciding on compromises to longstanding arguments. This does not lead to enduring change and increased love.

EFT is intensely focused on the process—the way that you two influence and respond to each other. It focuses on the underlying emotions, desires, and motives behind what we see playing out in your arguments. It will lead to greater awareness of yourself and your partner and a deeper bond. After increasing this awareness, empathy, and understanding, we can begin to practice responding and being there for each other in different ways than you have been. Changing your underlying couple pattern will allow you to lovingly and effectively work through things on your own without a therapist in the near future.